The last time I wrote, I was kind of down.
I know that we all have the capacity to choose our perspective, but in the moment of feeling grief, we don't want to be told that we're grieving because we choose to be sad. Its important to have a place where we feel we can come and feel that we are accepted for how grumpy, bitchy, lusty, stupid, hateful, jealous and etc that we are, in that moment.
In the next moment, that less than perfect thought passes and so does the emotion. But too often, we aren't accepted for all the changing colours of the kaleidoscope of feelings we experience. Here I feel accepted for whatever I say. If you don't like it, you just stop reading or move on to the next blog. Here, I feel I can be myself. Or do I?
I realise that sometimes with friends, I complain about this relationship or that job but I don't share my best self with them, always. I think some of my friends do that with me too. I wonder why that is? I know that in my life, I've been indoctrinated to believe that its not wise to show ourselves to be too happy. The higher we are, the harder we fall.
Perhaps that is why there is so much depression and neurosis in the West. Maybe we are afraid to be seen to be too happy?
Of course, there would be pressure in putting on a happy face, too. I mean, we can't always be happy either. Like all the other colours of the emotional kaleidoscope, happiness comes and goes. But in our world, as much as we aren't supposed to be too happy or we might fall, polite society doesn't want to hear our problems. So we either live inside with the brilliant kaleidoscope of emotions that is ours, whilst becoming increasingly discontented with the disconnect between our outer and inner reality - or maybe we just end up dulling our senses and becoming a little more banal.
(Thank God for blogging. We ain't polite society. Hallelujah!)
I do not want to be banal. I realise that life is probably 2/3 over for me. But, I've done a lot in my life - more than most - and not as much as I want to do. I'm looking at going back to my home country, but I can't go back to the old me that lived there. I have been packing to move house and I've rediscovered that younger me in many different stages. I love her and her spirit of adventure and all the times she's loved and lost. But life isn't just about youth. I'm not that young girl anymore but I do not want to stop exploring and experiencing. Life changes and we have to change with it or we get disconnected from our flow and no longer feel we are in harmony with our lives or our surroundings.
I'm not finished with the things we associate with youth: adventure, courage, passion, hope. I have so much more to do! I do, however, want to make sure I start leaving a legacy and sharing some of this fantastic life I've led.
I'd like to try to share more of my happiness with you here on these pages and try to express the full gamut of emotion. I am an introvert, and so my happiness is mostly experienced quietly and internally. However, I'd like to work on that here. I stopped writing many years ago because all of what I was writing was so dark. I wanted to write only when I could write lighter things. The problem wasn't just in my heart and my unresolved pain....it was (and still is) in my inhibitions in expression.
The world keeps changing and so do we, but I believe the range of vibrant colours we can experience depends on the courage to shake up our lives, to really examine and appreciate the changing patterns and then on how richly we can express and relate with others all that we have seen.
I hope you have a happy Sunday, peeps.
Photo by blog author, taken on an HTC Wildfire smartphone: Casa Battlo by Architect Antonio Gaudi, Barcelona, 2013.