There is something to be said here - when life gets stressful, many people fall off the wagon. It is times like these that it is best NOT to fall off the wagon, because the practices keep us steady of mind and able to cope. However, once we DO fall off, its important to get right back on the wagon.
So, here goes:
Day 3261. I am grateful that I was able to catch up on sleep today after 2 exhausting days of having to travel for doctor's appointments. I slept late and rested the afternoon until I had to go out to keep an appointment. I am grateful because I am still coughing - perhaps worse, after the last 2 days.
2. I am grateful that I got to tour the Canadian Consulate in London after it was refurbished. I've been to most of the offices and ballrooms already as a guest, but it was nice to see it newly refurbished.
3. I am grateful for the new exhibition Soundscapes at the National Gallery and for the exhibition introducing me to a new favourite composer, Nico Muhly. I have heard his music before as film soundtracks but I did not know the composer and I did not have any knowledge of the quirky personality behind the music. It was exciting to hear his music paired with one of my favourite pieces from the National Gallery's medieval collection and to hear him speak about the piece in the film afterwards. I am grateful also for the many interviews online with him.
Joy - It was a joy to decide to be a kid again and take myself out to an ice cream parlour for a crazy ice cream for dinner. It was yummy and certainly not something I do very often.
Oneness - I felt oneness with the paintings, the painters, the soundscapes and composers at the Soundscapes exhibition. I particularly liked the piece by Jamie xx (from The XX) because he composed the music for the space of the exhibition so that it would sound like a pointillist piece. If you're in London, you really should go.
Service - I learned that my sister was in hospital late this evening and so I asked friends who do healing to send healing and prayers for her and I also did the same while I waited for further news.
Day 327Today I spent a lot of time looking at flights home, waiting for news and doing laundry and looking for things to take back to Canada if I end up flying home tomorrow. It was a stressful day and I ended up sleeping a fair amount because the stress seemed to impact on my cough again and I felt worse. I was supposed to go to an art exhibition and to a concert with Dan Shears but I just felt awful and I didn't want to be too far away from wifi while I waited for news on my sister who had been moved overnight into ICU.
1. I am grateful that the exploratory surgery they performed on my sister went well and although they didn't find anything, that she responded well afterwards. I am also grateful that they have moved her to ICU so that she gets the care she needs.
2. I am grateful to my other sister for keeping me in the loop by text message and facetime.
3. I am grateful to my flatmate who helped me price out flights back to Canada.
Joy - its kind of hard to find much joy today. I guess I will say that it was a joy to see that Lorenzo Quinn posted my photo of his sculpture on his instagram page.
Oneness - I got to speak to my friend TCBC this evening and she helped me reason out what my plan might be. It was good to talk to her and to talk about my feelings.
Service - I posted on the blog asking for prayers for my sister. I did not want to post on Facebook because I didn't want to alarm her friends and invade her privacy so I just posted the blog post to Facebook and let my friends find their way to here and to my request.
Day 328Today I stayed in and rested while I waited for more news on my sister.
1. I am grateful to hear that my sister is becoming stabilized slowly. She remains in ICU but her condition is improving.
2. I am grateful to my other sister for keeping me informed of everything back home.
3. I am grateful that in sorting through my medicine cabinet and boxes, I found more Canadian cold tablets. I ended up taking two tablets today just to get some relief.
Joy - It was a joy to make spaghetti and meatballs for supper
Oneness - Many of my friends asked after my sister's welfare today. It is nice to have so many people sending her energy and prayers.
Service - I sent prayers and reiki to many people today. I didn't get to talk to my Dad (its difficult to reach him at the moment) but I left a message for him at the office.
Today I slept late again - still not well and tomorrow I do need to make an appointment with the doctor. It is going on 2 weeks now. I took it easy and did some of the old chores that have been hanging over my head. Well, rather, I should say that I started on them...some of these projects are very big indeed.
1. I am grateful that I kept a journal for most of the time I've lived in London. I started today on scanning them so that I don't have to hold on to the physical paper anymore and move it across the world. There's at least a thousand pages here so I'm not grateful to be scanning it all - a boring task, taken on its own. But it is interesting to sneak a peek at the text as I'm scanning the pages. I look forward to reading them. I don't actually re-read my journals very often. I'm looking forward to witnessing my journey in my own words.
2. I am grateful that I woke this morning and already had food prepared from yesterday. It is great not to have to wake up and cook something. Our fridge in the flat is still not repaired/replaced, so I have to use the fridge in my room for everything. It means I'm keeping very little food in the house at any one time - other than packaged foods like pasta etc. Too much packaged food is not good for anyone.
3. I am grateful to all my friends who have been praying for and sending healing to my sister in the hospital. I am also grateful to hear that they expect to take her off the ventilator in a couple of days and that she is becoming stabilised in the hospital.
Joy - It was a joy to have some gluten free fishcakes this evening. I'm still not feeling particularly well, so I had it with soup. I can't wait to feel well again!
Oneness - As I was scanning these journal pages, I found myself wondering at the woman I have been, these past 13 years. I read some of my comments and I think of how uncertain I was of some of what I was writing and sometimes I think I was writing just to build my confidence in what I was saying - especially when it was around relationships and leaving relationships that weren't working for me. I have compassion for the woman I was...for some of the blatantly awful things I have felt and written and for the pain behind it. I feel so much more confident now, but I am sure that when I am 60, I will look back on these posts and have a different perspective on how comfortable I was with this process.
There is a famous person who I have followed this year online and who has followed me. Today I saw him post a photo with a caption that - while perhaps expressing his true feelings - came across as petty, mean spirited and jealous. I don't know what he really meant to accomplish with the photo and comment but I asked a friend and he also took it the same way I did. I felt compassion for the famous person and wished him to take down the photo - not for the benefit of the person to whom he was being bitchy - but for his own sake. We never want to see ourselves in public behaving in a way that does not present our best selves. This did not present his best self. I have been where he is, emotionally - whether it is jealousy, anger, spitefulness - I've felt it before - vehemently at times. I mean, I am a woman whose best friend had an affair with her boyfriend. We shared all the same friends in a very small community and I felt publicly cuckolded (although technically that is what happens to men). But, we must always show the world our best selves. Our spiteful, hateful ugly selves are best left to those who really and truly love us and will not abandon us. I get where he was coming from but I'm so glad he took the photo down. I originally left a comment telling him I was glad (on another photo) but then I decided to delete the comment. Perhaps it is better he not know that I saw it and saw his not so wonderful side. I did not want to embarrass him. Let it be forgotten.
Service - I was at home all day so not much of service to others came out of me, today. I think that deleting my comment and acting as if I hadn't seen the famous person behave less than heroically was an act of service. I behaved as I would with a friend. Friends hold one another in the best light, even when we fail to live up to that standard in reality.
A photo from a few days ago - the one that Lorenzo Quinn reposted xx