Tonight I feel like I inhaled razor blades. So, I'm grateful this is not a video blog! ;)
1. I am grateful for lovely wine. Tonight I drank a few glasses of a favourite wine from Vienna, in the hopes of putting my face into a pillow and sleeping through the night. Well, that didn't work. I slept for about 90 minutes and woke with a hangover ;) Ah well, I am grateful, at least, for the beautiful wine.
2. I am grateful for my emotional courage. I will admit that in this life, I have had a lot of losses and I have learned to just put them aside and get on with life. My best friend died when I was 6 and I compartmentalised her in my mind as a method of coping. I still don't remember her, to this day. But, I think we all know that what isn't healed continues to haunt and I have recognized several patterns in my love relationships. Some I've healed and right now I'm working on something a little more complex and painful because it comes from a very young age. I am beginning to understand it but I think it will take a whole lot of unravelling to heal. I am grateful that I am being more emotionally vulnerable to experiencing this.
3. I am grateful that it didn't rain today. I had to travel quite a long way to go to the doctor and would not have wanted to do it in the rain.
Joy - Its more relief than joy but I was very glad to learn that the Cheese managed to find someone to take his extra West Ham football ticket for tonight. I had told him that if he couldn't find anyone, I would buy it from him but I didn't really fancy it, in the end.
Oneness - I have been thinking a lot about my childhood and how family dynamics are playing out in my relationships to this day. There are some motivations to which I am blind, but the only way to get to clarity is by returning to the emotional state of the child and understanding why I chose the coping mechanisms I did. Once I get the why, I can challenge the validity of that in my adult life and learn a new way of being. It has been difficult, but I have been allowing myself to experience oneness with that very painful place. Normally I can only get there with body work, releasing trapped emotions that have been somatisized for years, but I am beginning to be able to go there consciously. The only way out, is through.
Service - I am struggling with a particular relationship and although it has been hurtful for me, with the other person pushing me away with rejecting and appropriating behaviours, I have been aware of not wanting to abandon him. I'm not certain he would feel abandoned. It is really my issue and it is really a pattern I need to break - being unable to leave people who have insecure attachment patterns and who try to push me away with hurtful behaviour. (I also have an insecure attachment pattern but it manifests differently in me). I am happy because I have disengaged in order to work through my pattern but I managed to do something that let him know I have not abandoned him. He did something that - whether he intended it to convey this message or not - let me know he has not abandoned me, either. And so, my service has been to try to break a pattern without hurting the other. I hope I can succeed.
I don't expect you will have understood everything I'm talking about today because I'm being deliberately vague. Just know that I'm in some place rather deep right now and I'm sending you a postcard back to let you know I'm okay and there are things for which to be grateful, even in the middle of processing great pain.
No photos today but here's an old one for you: