Saturday, August 8

Gratitude, Joy, Oneness and Service (Day 353)

Today I was going to go out to a paint jam but after last night I need to rest and actually get a heck of a lot of work done this weekend. 

Last night was full of surprises, as I told you.

I got off at the wrong stop (don't laugh - that's part of my illness) and realised it was the last train.  So, after I said goodbye to the others, I decided to head down to catch the night bus.  After a bagel (there are some benefits to getting off at Shoreditch instead of Shadwell) I peeked into a certain bar on Brick Lane and there was Lisa having a beer.  I went in.  For one.  We closed the place - and then some. 

And it was a very interesting evening.

1. I am grateful that there is a night bus between my two favourite locations - well, my favourite location (Shoreditch) and where I live (Limehouse).  It turns out that I didn't need a night bus because of the kindness of a friend, but I am grateful that I can easily get home at all hours and the bus drops me right in front of my door.

2. I am grateful for the feeling of belonging that the certain bar gives to me.  I can walk in and the staff know me and welcome me and I know they would even if none of the people I know are there.  I have only been going to that certain bar for a couple of weeks but I do feel embraced by the community.  Steve was taking requests for cheesy music and Lisa and I requested the Cocktail theme (Beach Boys) and the bar was full of people dancing while the three lovely guys behind the bar were impressing us with their skills.

3. I am grateful for a chance encounter with a man named AR.  When Lisa went to use the ladies, he sat in her chair - I said he could but my friend would be back shortly and then he'd have to give up the seat.  He said he didn't mind.  He was quite intense and very sexy.  I assumed he just needed a place to sit down and sober up but he seemed to be trying to actively engage with me.  He must have been 10-20 years younger than I am.  Very much any girl's type.  Surely he wasn't sitting there to talk to me, when the bar was full of several young and pretty girls.  I wasn't putting myself down - it just never occurred to me that he might have crossed the room determined to talk to me.

He didn't leave.  He told me he was from Holland.  I said a few words in Dutch that I had learned when I was with P-.  I was able to ask: ben ja sportif (are you sporty? - and darn straight he was - the man was cut, tall, strong) and ben ja romantisch (hey! I learned the important stuff - to which he also replied yes) and then I asked his name in Dutch and we said hello.  He asked how I knew Dutch and I told him I had a Belgian boyfriend.  He looked dejected and asked had or HAVE.  I clarified - HAD - past.  He was all smiles.

We talked about him and about me and I learned that he is a surfer (as if you couldn't tell that from his body) and that he had lived for 4 years in Australia and was just visiting for the weekend.  He had the most beautiful tattoos and the artist who had done them was very talented.  He was not afraid to lift his shirt and show us the boldly coloured bird tattooed across his chest and the incredible flank tattoos he had.  The tattoos weren't the only beautiful thing in that gesture.

He gave the chair back to Lisa and bid me goodbye.  Aye Mamma, that was a nice encounter but I took it as simply a nice but fleeting moment.

But he came back. 

Twice. 

Each time he came back, he stood, rooted and waited to get my attention.  I noticed how handsome he was with his dark hair, dark tanned olive skin and vibrantly blue eyes and more - he had a really powerful energy.  He had a kind of confidence that rooted him to the earth as if to say 'I'm here'.

I still didn't think he was specifically wanting to talk to me.  A little banter with a stranger is fine but I had specifically come in to see Lisa. 

He would have to work pretty damned hard to get my attention given my focus.

He managed.

Steve had put out some strawberries on the bar for us and we hadn't touched them.  He picked one up and put it in front of my lips to feed me.  After I bit the strawberry he finished it.  And he did this till the glass of strawberries was empty. 

I had to take a mental picture of this moment. 

I was being fed strawberries by an Adonis. 

I might as well have been a female version of Dionysus laying in a chair while my attendant catered to my hedonistic needs.  Who wouldn't want that?  I don't think I have ever been fed by a sexy stranger before.  And I went with it.  What's the harm in a wonderful transitory moment?

Strawberries gone, he talked to us for a few more minutes and then it was closing time. 

He disappeared again for a few minutes when I turned to talk to Lisa but he returned. 

He was drunk, he  admitted, but he came back to specifically tell me that I was a beautiful woman and that I stood out in the crowd because (here the details get a bit foggy because it was overwhelming in that moment) something like because my heart was so beautiful and I was so open and positive.  He told Lisa, rather than telling me this and she agreed and kept emphasizing his words.

I had a bit of a struggle, with both of them giving me so much love and me in the middle.  But I took it in. 

I took it in. 

It may have been drunk ramblings but it was still something good to hear and to take in.

Lisa pushed me to get his number and I looked at her and thought - oh is that what I'm supposed to do?  Like I said, I'm not a meet the guy in the bar kind of girl.  But I added him on Facebook and perhaps he will accept my friend request and perhaps he will be too hung over to remember.

Either way, its okay with me. 

It really was such a wonderful experience to have a beautiful man pampering me in such a hedonistic way and I'm okay with it being a fleeting moment.  I think if I hold on to the moment, I block my energy for the good that is meant for me. 

I think it is a great achievement that I allowed myself to be vulnerable - open to the good feelings he brought into my life in that moment, without expectation of going home together or anything beyond that moment.

I am grateful that Lisa was there to witness this and to reinforce his words.

And, I am grateful to AR, a stranger,  for treating me like a Goddess so that I can remember what that feels like and look for that again in the man that I will treat like a God as well.

Joy - See above!

Oneness - Um.  See above!

Service - My service today was to myself.  A friend tells me that men are always trying to get my attention and I just don't see it because I've been closed off to it.  She is right.  I have had some bad experiences and without knowing it, I closed myself off.  I am working on being vulnerable and allowing myself to receive again.  I think it is beginning to work. 

By changing that in me, I change the world around me.


A photo from the certain bar - no we didn't drink all that. 

A photo posted by Tania Campbell (@pinkstarpix) on



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